Motherhood is not a word that can be defined; it is rather a whole whirlpool of emotions that can only be lived. It is the most rewarding job in the world, yet it is a job that takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically!
I have been talking to some friends who have recently embraced motherhood and also, I am a part of mom groups on social media where I hear what women go through once they become mothers and I am one of them. The common denominator for most of the conversations is ridden with a pang of guilt. And the feeling is so strongly fabricated in all of us without actual realization.
When I put my girl in nursery and enjoy cup of tea before starting work, I feel guilty even to admit to myself that I am enjoying those 5 minutes of peaceful tea. Or if after dropping her, I enjoy some music while driving to work, I feel guilty, because she was crying when I left her. If ever I ask my husband to look after her, it would be so that I can do some chores, not to rest or pursue a hobby.
While scrolling my Instagram feed tonight as my babe sleeps, I came across this post that described how a mother loses her hobby, doesn’t know who she is, doesn’t dress up- loses herself in the process. The words hit home.
Believe me when I say that I have been there. Lockdown, no childcare, work commitments, household chores, I couldn’t wash my hair for 2 days after having to want to wash them! The list is endless.
WHY??
I know it’s hormonal for mothers but it’s not the same with fathers. Why do we feel guilty for asking the father to look after the baby for a few hours- while we go ‘work-out’ in the gym, while we rest or while we read a book? The most common validation is that our standards of comparison or judgements are infallible. Yeah, our mothers have done it for us – that’s our argument to ourselves. But do we look where did that got them?
I know my mother wouldn’t go anywhere out just for herself and has always felt guilty for earning a living. It was I who pushed her to explore herself after I started understanding her as a woman. But now, when I am a mother, I am unknowingly doing the same. And many new mothers around me are also caught in this vicious circle.
Gals, we deserve a break. Don’t we get 25 annual leaves (UK standard) every year from work. Motherhood job is far more challenging one. Yes, it is a ‘job’ and a tough one at that- it’s a place where you are performing consistently and where you cannot fail.
The problem is we don’t want to stop feeling guilty, so we cling to our babies, we end up over-pampering them, we lose ourselves in the process, we lose any self-worth and we burst out on our husbands impacting that relationship. Moreover, when we get a chance, we shout about feminism.
But what is feminism? What is motherhood? Why does motherhood have to be judged by the amount of sacrifices a mother did?
Let’s create a new image of motherhood. Let’s not feel ashamed of taking help from partners or caretakers. Let’s be a mother, who is loving, who does everything- all sacrifices to raise a child but without feeling guilty of taking little breaks. One who manages her child’s care, gets help to run the house, manages her ambitions, devotes time to child and husband. And above all, devotes time to herself, looks after herself, dresses up, does her hair, puts on face masks and enjoys a book while sipping her tea.
All of this without wearing the hoodie of guilt. All of this without feeling guilty. Let’s take pride in being ourselves first. Let’s raise our boys and girls who know of a world where ‘self-care’ and ‘me-time’ is valued.
Let’s not just be a mother but be a woman- who is a mother, a wife and a girl with dreams.
Written by: Chahna D
Edited by: Milauni T
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